Meanderings...

After almost twenty years of trying to find my voice, I am once again confronted by a blank page. Ever since I can remember I have possessed a penchant for keeping my thoughts, emotions, and ideas about the world within the safe confines of my head where they remain unassailable, free from judgment, speculation, and ridicule. My big sister once observed that “one of the greatest struggles that arises from being a human being (besides living and loving) is loneliness. Loneliness does not always have to do with the number of people around; more profoundly, it comes from the connections one can (or cannot) make from one's experiences to the experiences of others.”


Some time ago however, I realized that I am not content just to be alive; rather I desire to live and to do so deliberately. And so, here I am, putting my thoughts, ideas, and experiences out there for the world to read that I might overcome alexithymia. In doing so, I hope to gain a clearer understanding of myself by sharing and partaking in the cathartic effects of language. –AB

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

"Girl"

Blue crayons are prettier than brown ones; take care not to play with dolls that are darker than you are; long sleeved shirts are not only for wintertime; princesses look like sleeping beauty; don't use colors that remind people of filth; when playing dress-up with your friends, put white towels over your head and imagine that you're beautiful; don't wear colors that make your skin look darker than it already is; what makes you think brown is beautiful, eh?; starve yourself so that your thighs won't touch when you walk; in school, talk in such a way that you won't sound like the nigger that you are; don't wear your hair naturally; when you grow up, you must marry a white man so that your kids will be beautiful; stay away from boys who have hair like pot-foot; but I don't like brown crayons anyway; this is how to relax your hair; this is how to improve your complexion; this is how to kill new growth when your relaxer starts to grow out so as to prevent yourself from looking like the nigger that I know you are so bent on becoming; this is how to grease your hair to make it look shiny; this is how to make friends; when you are in school, make sure that you don't associate with riff-raff--those niggers aren't going nowhere; this is how you use skin bleaching cream; this is how you talk proper; this is how you make friends with white kids; this is how not to look at the black kids who think that you'll talk to them just because you're black too; this is how you smile to a white boy that you like; this is how not to smile at a black boy that likes you; this is how you entertain white people; this is how you act around other black people; this is how you behave in the presence of important white people, and this way they won't think that you are the nigger that I have warned you against becoming; be sure to hot-comb your hair every day; don't move in with niggers--you're not one o' dem, ya know!; don't imagine yourself on the covers of the magazines that you see while standing in line to buy groceries; don't entertain nigger friends because others might mistaken you for one; this is how to make casserole instead of roti; this is how to wear pink lipstick instead of brown; but I don't like brown anyway; this is how to use skin bleaching cream on a child [like your mother] that comes out too dark; this is how to love a white man, and if this doesn't work there are other ways, and if they don't work then feel bad about giving up; but what if he doesn't want me?; you mean to say that after all, you are really going to be the kind of woman that a white man won't want?

3 comments:

Sarah Bass said...

nice post, manda :)

RMDL said...

Amanda- found your post through my good friend Dorian.

I love this piece. Even now it leaves me speechless to comment. I love the honesty.

Amanda Bass said...

Thanks :) I'm glad you enjoyed it.