Meanderings...
After almost twenty years of trying to find my voice, I am once again confronted by a blank page. Ever since I can remember I have possessed a penchant for keeping my thoughts, emotions, and ideas about the world within the safe confines of my head where they remain unassailable, free from judgment, speculation, and ridicule. My big sister once observed that “one of the greatest struggles that arises from being a human being (besides living and loving) is loneliness. Loneliness does not always have to do with the number of people around; more profoundly, it comes from the connections one can (or cannot) make from one's experiences to the experiences of others.”
Some time ago however, I realized that I am not content just to be alive; rather I desire to live and to do so deliberately. And so, here I am, putting my thoughts, ideas, and experiences out there for the world to read that I might overcome alexithymia. In doing so, I hope to gain a clearer understanding of myself by sharing and partaking in the cathartic effects of language. –AB
Thursday, December 11, 2008
The Road Less Traveled
Mom came into the kitchen and ran her fingers over my mass of hair. I rarely tied my hair back for I preferred to let it roam freely in all of its craziness. "You have a lot of hair my dear" she said, chuckling to herself as she reached for the carnation milk in the refrigerator behind me and began to pour herself a cup of tea. Dad walked in from outside where he had just finished shoveling the driveway. "Morning Manda!" he said, placing a frozen kiss on my forehead which sent a chill through my body. I took a sip of tea, relishing the comforting warmth that began at my lips and made its way down my throat. Dad mischievously walked over to mom who stood at the counter fixing her cup of tea, and placed his arms around her waist. "Good morning my love," Dad said as he placed his cold cheek against her neck. "Reggie, you're freezing!" my mom hollered as she playfully shooed him away, but not before giving him a cup of tea and a kiss.
"Pat, did I tell you about the couple that was turned away from the church?" Dad began. Mom shook her head and I paused my reading to listen. "Last night Mr. and Mrs. Caston told me about a friend of theirs who went to the church leadership for help because she and her husband faced foreclosure on their home." Dad continued, "Do you know what they said to her? They told her that they only help people with their spiritual needs."
"Whaaaaat?!" Mom said incredulously. I remained speechless for a moment, neither of us wanting to believe what we were hearing. "I wonder how they'd react if all of their members decided to pray instead of tithe because 'they only believed in helping with spiritual needs'" I replied. "Reggie, no" my mom said, still mortified. "Yeah, Pat. That's what they said" Dad replied shaking his head. "That's not the gospel" Mom protested.
I thought about what I had read, only moments before, concerning the early church.
"Suppose there are brothers or sisters who need clothes and don't have enough to eat. What good is there in your saying to them 'God bless you! Keep warm and eat well!' --if you don't give them the necessities of life? So it is with faith: if it is alone and includes no actions, then it is dead" (James 2: 15-17).
I thought about the church of Acts and how believers shared all that they possessed.
"The group of believers was one in mind and heart. No one said that any of his belongings was his own, but they all shared with one another everything they had. There was no one in the group who was in need. Those who owned fields or houses would sell them, bring the money received from the sale, and turn it over to the apostles; and the money was distributed to each one according to his need" (Acts 4: 32-35).
I have heard pastors, churches, and people who profess Christianity justify their greed and egocentrism in light of this scripture by calling it Communism. When I look at the state of today's Church, I am displeased by it for I have a hard time seeing Christ's image in it. I see celebrities, megachurches, Christian seminars, multi-million dollar ministries, church cruise lines, and I sometimes wonder where the gospel has gone? At what point did the love for wealth, for fame, and for things trample both our humanity and our compassion for others, especially those in need?
I am frustrated and grieved when I think about how difficult it remains for the world to see Christ amidst the mire of legalism, rhetoric, and avarice that characterize too many churches and the attitudes of too many Christians. The world remains antagonistic towards what they perceive to be the gospel of Christ and loathe us in the process. Christ never intended His message to remain confined within the four walls of the church or to become just another facet of one of the largest money-making institutions this world has ever seen. We are the Church. I often wonder what has happened to living the gospel, to putting feet to our words and action behind our faith?
The road which Christ calls us to traverse is certainly a difficult one; it is one that is oftentimes marked by suffering and the daily crucifixion of "self." And yet, God promises to remain faithful, even when we're not. I know Him to be a God of his word which, amidst my frustrations, anxieties, and the prospect of simply not knowing, gives me the strength to pick up my cross and follow Him.

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