Meanderings...

After almost twenty years of trying to find my voice, I am once again confronted by a blank page. Ever since I can remember I have possessed a penchant for keeping my thoughts, emotions, and ideas about the world within the safe confines of my head where they remain unassailable, free from judgment, speculation, and ridicule. My big sister once observed that “one of the greatest struggles that arises from being a human being (besides living and loving) is loneliness. Loneliness does not always have to do with the number of people around; more profoundly, it comes from the connections one can (or cannot) make from one's experiences to the experiences of others.”


Some time ago however, I realized that I am not content just to be alive; rather I desire to live and to do so deliberately. And so, here I am, putting my thoughts, ideas, and experiences out there for the world to read that I might overcome alexithymia. In doing so, I hope to gain a clearer understanding of myself by sharing and partaking in the cathartic effects of language. –AB

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Mental Meanderings Part I

I sat in an airport in Newark, staring out the window as I waited to board the plane that would soon carry me back to Chicago after over five months of being away from home. I still chewed the same watermelon flavored piece of gum that I had popped into my mouth three hours earlier just before leaving Hartford. I noticed an Amherst student with whom I had taken a class the previous year sitting at my terminal. For a brief moment we made eye contact before he quickly looked away as if afraid that I might acknowledge his presence or god forbid, that I might dare to speak to him. By now, the gum had grown stale which caused my jaws to hurt as I continued to chew absentmindedly. I sat upon the terminal floor drowning in my thoughts, completely unaware of the crowds of men and women who passed me by.

At many points throughout the year I remember longing for this moment. Now that I stood at the threshold of what promised to be a fantastic summer, I found myself ambivalent and somewhat reluctant to leave. I thought about how quickly the past nine months of my life went by and I wondered how quickly the months would continue to come and go. I recalled my dad saying to me, “Manda, there are many people who are alive, but only a few people actually live.” My dad’s words resounded in my head as I continued to watch planes take off and land banausically…

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